An Embarrassing Exchange at the Grocery Store:

I remember the first time my oldest son (who was just five at the time ) mustered up the courage to tell a friendly grocer that he was homeschooled. 

We were doing our recurrent mid week grocery run and as per usual a chatty employee wanted to know why the children weren’t in school.  

I was just starting to reply when my sweet boy looked up with his big brown eyes and wearing his favorite windbreaker, rain boots, and high water Super Mario pajama pants told the grocery store employee proudly, “we are school homed.” 

You heard that right, he actually said “school homed.” I smiled nervously and quickly corrected him, “Oh, he means to say that we homeschool.” The gentleman just stared at us. I could read his expression like a book. He was undoubtedly thinking “school homed?” “Yeah, sure and clearly doing a bang up job of it too.”  He looked both perplexed and sympathetic as he wished us a nice rest of our day and moved on. 

To say I was mortified is an understatement. Not knowing what grade you’re in, fine. Not  knowing the answers to all of the random quizzing of strangers, ok. But “SCHOOL HOMED?!” I mean what are we even doing here? 

I’ll admit that this exchange and that awful feeling of being judged got the better of me this day. 

Burdensome Expectations:

I’m not proud of how I reacted. How I was annoyed with my children while loading them and the groceries into the minivan. How I was in a huff anytime they asked me a question , especially my sweet son who is truly just a dream child.

After we got home, had lunch, and I got my toddler down for a nap, (which was also a challenge)  I called the twins into the school room or should I say “room school?” 

You can probably predict what happened next.  I was disconnected and distracted. I was less patient. I was obviously irritable and it was not a good day for us. 

The lesson ended somewhat abruptly as I said exasperatedly “just forget it, go play.” I tried to mask my upset but they clearly felt it and I’m sure they were confused as to why mommy was in such a mood. 

As I cleaned up the Counting Bears I felt the flood of “not good enough-ness” wash over me. All the lies of the enemy were in my ear. “You can’t do this.” “You’re failing your children.” “Why did you ever think this would work?” 

All of this over a brief exchange wherein my child made a simple mistake,  probably because he was nervous. 

Perhaps because this was an adult, whom he didn’t know asking a question and the insinuation is that children are “supposed” to be in school and not at the grocery store on Wednesday at 11 am.

He’s a perceptive kid and any question preceded with “Why aren’t you” certainly carries a connotation that even a five-year-old can pick up on.  

As I stacked the books and turned away from the room that day, I realized that while I had curated this pleasant learning space and while I had painstakingly selected enriching curriculums and beautiful books, none of these things mattered half as much as our relationship. 

Expecting my five year old to respond in a certain way so that I could feel good about the job I was doing was not the space I wanted to parent or homeschool from. 

Having my self worth and my clearly fragile ego so tightly bound to to my child’s  performance (academic or otherwise) was obviously unhealthy and a huge misstep. I had built my house on sand. What a heavy burden to place upon the shoulders of my children. 

Relationship Matters:

I knew when I set out on the journey to educate my children at home, there was so much more to homeschooling than schooling. 

I remember reading the quote by Aristotle that says “educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” 

It was a light switch moment for me.  I recognized that my children are whole persons, and that if I was going to do this well, I needed to be intentional about relationship. 

That I must appeal to the heart first, if I hoped to engage the mind. Because a child who feels safe, connected and loved is a child who is ready and generally eager to learn.  A child who feels shamed, disconnected, unseen, unheard and unsafe is not. 

I touch on how fear and anxiety affect our cognitive processes in my blog post about How to Create a Homeschool Schedule or Daily Rhythm.

You will certainly find some overlapping and even reoccurring themes here at The Heart Centered Homeschool and that’s because I feel that it is so critically important that we as parents do the necessary work to not only understand where our children are developmentally but also how we can lovingly steward them best and sometimes that takes reminding. I know it does for me. 

Pray, Define What Success Means For Your Family, and Trust the Process:

So what do we do?  What do we do when those awful feelings of fear and insecurity regarding our children’s education creep in? When we feel the sting of judgement from a friend or family member, or a store employee; or when our child just isn’t grasping a concept we feel they should?

Pray: I know that not everyone who reads this blog shares the same beliefs that I do and I sincerely hope that all feel welcome here. Speaking personally,  prayer and spending time in scripture is so incredibly uplifting to me. Here are a few that I find especially helpful on difficult days.

Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

Isaiah 41:13 “For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” 

Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

This sacred work we are doing is bigger than us. Our egos have no place in homeschooling or parenting. Yes, we need to equip our children with the knowledge and the skills they need to thrive but we also must equip them spiritually and keep our hearts postured towards Christ and be an example of HIS love and HIS grace for our children. 

Next tip, Define (or redefine) success: What does a successful homeschool day look like or rather feel like for you? Ask yourself what determines your metrics for success. Examine your beliefs around success, get heart-centered. 

Little by Little, One Travels Far:

For our family, our best (most successful) days are joy filled and connection rich. When I define what success looks like in our home, I am less influenced by the opinions of others. This is not to say that I am immune to criticism, but certainly being firm in my definition of success helps me to care a lot less about how others “think” I am homeschooling my children. 

I want to be clear in that I don’t mind questions. People are curious about home education. Our friends and family love our children and generally speaking want what they believe is best for our kids. However, sometimes their opinions are ill informed and their beliefs about success may differ from our own. This is why we must be firm in our convictions.

When we get caught up in the fear and judgment of others or even ourselves, when we forgo connection and force compliance or academics when it’s not working in that moment, we may “feel” like we are making progress. We may be able to check that box in the workbook or tell anyone who ask “this is what we did today” but ask yourself, was checking that box, or having something to “show” worth it? How did you and your children feel at the end of the day? 

Finally, trust the process: I will undoubtably write more about this in the future, but trusting that learning is a natural process is such a comfort to me. 

Tolkien is quoted as saying “Little by little, one travels far.”

Our Children are Always Learning:

Trust that education takes place in many environments in a myriad of ways and that learning is innate to children. It really needn’t be forced and certainly not at the expense of the relationship but again, more on that later. 

Let us be reminded every single time we hear or say the phrase “HOMESCHOOL,” that the word  HOME comes first , in its rightful place. Home is not just the location. Home is relationship, connection, and love. Home is where the heart is as they say, so let love lead in your homeschools. 

Trust in that you were convicted to do this for good reason, that you love your children most and know them best and therefore you will find ways to ensure they are adequately equipped for learning and for life. 

If you have serious concerns about a child who you feel may need some extra support certainly explore that. Listen to your intuition. I know several parents who homeschool children with a variety of needs. It’s incredible to witness their creativity. In another environment, these children may very well fly under the radar. How fortunate they are to have the people that love them most, giving them individualized attention and tailoring their education to their needs specifically.  

I am so inspired by all of the wonderfully creative ways that families homeschool. I am so emboldened by your bravery. I am rooting for all of you. I feel truly honored to walk alongside you as we work diligently to mold our children into the very best versions of themselves possible, while also reshaping ourselves. It’s not easy work, but I believe that it is a very worthy endeavor.

Home Before School:

Back to to the evening of the grocery store “incident…” I fed my children dinner, bathed everyone, nursed the toddler down and then got my twins tucked into their beds. When I kissed my son goodnight I told him how proud I was of him for so confidently speaking to the man at the store. I realized that was a big deal for my cautious guy and I wanted him to know how impressed I was. I hugged him and told him how amazing he is and how much I love getting to spend time with him everyday and do fun things like go shopping together.

He looked up at me and said “Me too mama, I am so happy we do school home with you.” 

I didn’t correct him, I didn’t want to. 

It wasn’t long after this that he corrected himself, and wouldn’t you know it? I missed the way he used to say it. 

If that is not motherhood I don’t know what is. Longing for something that we were previously so distraught over and wishing more than anything we could go back to that time, even when it was hard. 

I really try to keep that in mind as it pertains to the phase I am currently in with my children. I try to remember that while the challenges of the day may feel upsetting, I will probably long for them someday in the future. 

I want to look back on my life with my children and know that they felt loved and safe and that those feelings transcended all others. I hope to provide a pleasant environment wherein learning and life are so seamlessly intertwined that they are nearly indistinguishable from one another.

Of course, I want to furnish my children with a bountiful education but it is my belief that the way to best accomplish this is to foster a loving and connection rich relationship first.

In short, Home Always Before School.