The Three Parenting Styles I Hear Most Often:

“Helicopter parent, Tiger parent, and Free Range parent;” these terms amongst many other are used to describe various parenting styles, each with their own positive and negative connotations. 

The Helicopter Parent is known for hovering. The phrase “Helicopter Parent” was created by child development researchers Foster Cline and Jim Fay in 1990. Their claim was that the Helicopter parents’ “hovering” or over involvement in every aspect of their children’s lives was detrimental, or all out hindered the child’s ability to develop a healthy and necessary independence. 

Tiger Parents are described as authoritarian. Tiger parents have high expectations for their children academically and professionally. In her book, “Tiger Mom,” The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, author Amy Chua shares her own experience being raised by a “Tiger Mom.” She describes an environment wherein hard work superseded joy and where the children owe the parents absolutely everything. 

Free Range parents by contrast allow children the freedom and autonomy to make many of their own choices and even experience the natural consequences of those choices. The phrase Free Range Parent was coined by Lenore Skenazy who garnered national attention as “America’s worst mom” for allowing her nine-year-old child to ride the subway alone in New York City. She is the president of a non profit organization called Let Grow (https://letgrow.org) and the author of a book, Free-Range Kids, Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry. 

Misconceptions About Homeschool Parents:

These aren’t the only parenting styles that exist, there are many more; but these are the three I personally hear most often. 

I believe most parents are probably an amalgamation of more than one parenting style. I am not particularly eager to place labels upon myself or others but, it would seem that as a homeschool mom society is all too eager to place labels upon me.

I have heard that homeschool parents are Helicopter Parents, that we keep our children home so that we can have “complete control” over our children’s lives, that we are “over protective” and that our children “can’t live in a bubble” and that at “some point” we are going to have to “cut the apron strings” so that they are prepared for the “real world.” These are the “homeschooling is fine for now but what happens when ______?” folks. 

I have heard that homeschool parents, particularly homeschool parents with advanced degrees are Tiger Parents who don’t feel the current educational system is “good enough for their kids,” but that “school is about more than academics” and that these children are “missing out” and will grow up to become “socially awkward workaholic perfectionist.” 

I have heard that homeschool parents are Free Range Parents, that our lives lack structure and that Free Range children are undisciplined and uneducated because rather than doing “real learning”  the children are just “outside playing all day.” 

In each of these examples, the most extreme aspects of these parenting styles are used to insult the families who may be practicing these parenting principles; forecasting disastrous outcomes. 

Greenhouse Schoolhouse:

This can be really difficult, especially as a homeschool parent. Making the less than popular choice can be a challenge in itself, but having to constantly defend yourself, your parenting ,and the way your children learn; which may look completely different than what people are accustomed to can be so hard.

It was last Spring when God gave me a vision for a “Greenhouse Schoolhouse.” In fact, this was almost the name of the blog. The children and I were doing the Spring planting. We talked about the process by which seeds are sown, soil is cultivated, and plants grow. We discussed how within it, a seed holds all of its potential for growth, life, and multiplicity. A seed only needs to be provided with water, light, air. and protection in order to develop into a hardy plant.

Roots and Resilience:

The parallels between the growing of gardens and the raising of children were not lost on me, especially as my own sweet children so carefully pinched seeds from their packets to tuck them gently into soft soil beds inside of little red cups; which were placed methodically around our home in sunny locations.

The children spoke life over these little seeds praying for bountiful harvest and beautiful blooms, “when they’re ready mama,” they would say and I would reply “yes babies, when they’re ready.” Even as children who have a natural bent towards impatience, they understood that if we wanted a strong plant this process could not be rushed and that each phase of a plants’ growth cycle was imperative and served an important purpose.

They understood that while outwardly our cups of dirt may not look like much, that just beneath the surface a complex system was beginning to unfold and that this system would be both life sustaining and life giving.

The walls of this home would protect our future plants, just as it does our children; shielding them from the harsh elements outside of our doorstep until they develop the roots and resilience necessary to withstand the inevitable storms to come.

Eventually, we begin to ‘harden” our plants off by incrementally exposing them to the elements based upon their developmental readiness. Putting a young plant out too soon and for too long does not equip the plant to better handle heavy rain, strong winds, or harsh temperatures; it only has negative effects on the plant’s health and structural soundness.  

Even when our plants are ready to move out of doors, we erect fences and trellises to provide some layer of protection and structural support. We train them to trellis by gently encouraging their vines to grasp onto these supports so that they may grow upwardly.

Greenhouse Parent:

We are diligent in our care and protection of these precious organisms. If we abdicate our role as gardener, our plants do not thrive. You truly reap what you sow in the garden, generally speaking. This also applies to our children. As such, my foremost priority in these most precious and formative years is protection because without a sturdy foundation or root system if you will; our children will not grow into their fullest potential, they will not thrive. 

It is our responsibility to safeguard them and to ensure that the environments and the elements to which they are exposed are conducive to their optimal growth. The world may look upon our efforts as fruitless, just as the soil filled cups in the window appear to be, but we understand that the development of a strong network of roots must precede our children’s exposure to the outer elements.

We are the Greenhouse Parents. Parents who are riveted on the protection and optimal growth and development of our children in every facet, who are also acutely aware that part of our parental responsibility is to prepare them for life outside the walls of our home. However, we understand that the resilience necessary for this is achieved slowly overtime; based upon each child’s developmental readiness and unique needs. We honor our children’s growth by allowing them to flourish in their own time.

It is the Nature of the Child to be Co-Dependent:

The same way that a seedling does not benefit from being put out into a potentially hostile environment,  neither do our children. I don’t believe for a moment that any child is strengthened by being exposed to things before they are ready.  

This seems quite evident as our children are suffering the greatest mental health crisis ever historically speaking. The American Academy of Pediatrics declared a national emergency where child and adolescent mental health is concerned in October 2021. The number of children suffering from mental health issues was already at a record high and this number sadly only increased as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic. Perhaps our children aren’t as “resilient” as so many claim them to be.

Tossing our children out into the world does not help to prepare them for it. Abandonment does not beget independence. Children by design are co dependent. It is simply a matter of whom they will be dependent upon. Will they be dependent upon their faith and their family or a group of peers and other influences who may be equally ill equipped and therefore potentially detrimental to their mental, physical, emotional, and/or spiritual well being?

Spiritual Nourishment: A Faith Filled Home and Homeschool

So, how do we as parents protect our children while not discouraging their growth? How do we create that balance between protection and preparedness?

First, we must recognize that we are a part of God’s creation. Consider His design for all living things and the perfect order in which His creation occurred. There is Godly wisdom to be gleaned there.

We also work to root our children in the truth. 

Ephesians 3:16–17 — New Living Translation (NLT) says: 

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

We must provide our children a hedge of protection (Job 1:10), praying fervently over them, and training them up in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6.) We work diligently not only to prepare them for the world but also for His kingdom (Colossians 3:23.) 

By worldly standards, those of us parenting and homeschooling in the greenhouse may seem ill prepared. However, we understand that worldly preparedness falls woefully short in the larger picture. We recognize that fast growth, is not good growth .

We do not stifle our children’s growth, or keep them from that which is needed to sustain life. We, like the greenhouse provide for all of their needs but we do so under our careful supervision; affording them the protection and the time needed to build strong roots and solid convictions.

We are Not of This World:

The world may encourage otherwise, but we keep leaning into the calling placed upon our hearts, we keep praying, and continuing to fortify ourselves and our children. In addition to prayer and spending time in the Word; we read our families hope filled tales of brave, honorable, and virtuous folks, we bake warm bread, we plant gardens, we sing hymns, we drink tea, and we teach our children to work hard. This may all look very different from the world, but we are not of this world (John 17:14.)

We fix our hearts and our thoughts on that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable (Philippians 4:8) and we have faith that this will be more than enough.

Just as my children spoke life over our little seeds I will do so over you now; “May your harvest be abundant and your blossoms be beautiful….when they’re ready mama.”

Until then, keep protecting and providing what your children need. Allowing them to flourish in the light of the truth, in the rich sustenance of the Living Word, in the life giving rains of love and connection and in the open air of intentionality and a slow and gentle childhood that moves at the child’s pace and not the culture’s.

Our children’s needs are no different now than they were before. Consider their needs, guard their hearts (Proverbs 4:23) , and treat them with care and gentleness. I assure you, you absolutely can build strong, resilient, and capable children this way. God Bless you all.

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.”-Lao Tzu

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