We Need to Call Your Husband:

On November 10, 2022 I underwent a colonoscopy which revealed a tumor in my sigmoid colon. December 6th I had surgery and based upon that pathology I was diagnosed with stage III colon cancer and will complete 12 cycles or 6 months of adjuvant chemotherapy. I will never forget when the doctor walked into the room and said, “we need to call your husband.” I will never forget having to tell my children that I have cancer.

I’m 40 years old, otherwise healthy, and fairly active so this was quite unexpected. Naturally I was and still am quite fearful. It has been a lot to process physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

I’ve laid beside my sleeping children and wept. I’ve pleaded with God for more time to watch my kids grow up. I’ve had horrible moments of self doubt wondering if the foundation I’ve laid with my children is enough. They’re still so little with so much to learn, they need me; I need them. 

When the Illusion of Control is Shattered:

Being a mother it all feels very much on our shoulders as if we are the ones solely responsible for our children’s hearts, minds, and bodies and while we are absolutely responsible we must continually remind ourselves that there is a God in Heaven who is sovereign over all things. These children don’t just belong to me; they belong to Him first and foremost. 

When the illusion of control is shattered it’s completely disorienting but faith helps to right and to sturdy us. Faith in His plan for our lives anchors us and offers us a peace that truly surpasses all understanding. 

The duality of emotions I’ve experienced during this process have been like nothing I’ve gone through before. While the fear at times is debilitating, there is also an unshakable peace as I am confident my Savior works all things together for good. While the grief can feel consuming, in the valley there is also joy and light; like sun rays shining through a dense forest. 

Peace in the Process:

While I’ve been anxious about a great many things big and small, I’ve been surprisingly at ease about the children’s education and it’s not because I don’t care or that it’s not important because I do care, and it is important.

I feel deeply that the peace surrounding our homeschool comes from the fact that I was obedient in my calling to home educate the children in the first place and the fruit borne of that obedience is evident and abundant now more than ever before. 

Because I trusted deeply in this conviction placed upon my heart (even though I felt ill-equipped at times,) I went about homeschooling my children a different way. I knew that if I gave what I could, that God would make it more than enough; like the loaves and the fishes. He is a God of multiplicity. I may not have enough or be enough, but He does and He is.

Also, because I sought the wisdom of those that have gone before me and took the time to really observe my kids, I trusted that learning is innate to childhood. Children take as naturally to learning as bees to honey or birds to the sky. Truly the intrinsic desire to learn and to understand the world around them is something that is more often trained out of children rather than needing to be trained into them. 

So, while I purchased curriculum and created a flexible but still structured enough daily rhythm that worked for our family; I also worked hard to foster an environment and adopt a pace wherein the children had the opportunity to have some autonomy over their education.

Self Education is the Only Possible Education:

From the very beginning of our homeschool journey I had a deep desire to give my children a slow and gentle childhood which included plenty of unstructured time for pursuing their own interest, fostering connection, time in nature, prayer, self reflection, play, and rest. 

It wasn’t always easy to lean into learning and living this way, at times it felt like a giant trust fall but I can tell that you based upon what I’ve seen so far, I’m grateful we took the leap. 

There have been moments when I have really struggled with the mindset of wanting to get my children to some arbitrary point in their education so that I could feel good about where they were if something were to happen to disrupt our lives.

I also knew intuitively that if I wanted to raise curious life long learners then I needed to allow them to spread their wings a bit. After all, my goal as a homeschool mother is not just to cover material but also to encourage curiosity and not discourage the natural inclination towards self education.

Charlotte Mason said, “Self-education is the only possible education; the rest is mere veneer laid on the surface of a child’s nature.”

It’s Not All on Us: Homeschooling Faithfully

So, let me offer you some encouragement and relief mamas from a mother who is walking through a season I never saw coming; it is not ALL on us.

Our children have a perfect parent who loves them even more than we do. Unfathomable for some of us I know because we love our babies so much but it’s true and His plans for us are greater than we can imagine. We must continue to be faithful even in times of great tribulation, offering what we have and trusting that He will make it more than enough.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Because we know that He is good and we trust that His design is perfect, we can confidently lean into our children’s inborn propensity to self educate and trust the process.

In making space for and even prioritizing  and protecting what some may have considered to be idle time, which was in fact not idle at all; we have actually laid the foundation for a rich and varied self directed education that is carrying us through this period of many unknowns.

That investment was a solid one and we are already reaping those good returns. 

How to Foster Creativity and Initiative in Our Children:

These days my children are nearly constantly immersed in creative endeavors. They are covering a multitude of subjects with ease and excitement without any prompting from me. 

Their father and I have been in awe of the level of engagement and productivity we’ve witnessed.

While I won’t take full credit because they are just really awesome kids, I do believe surrendering our impulse to micro manage every aspect of their education and allowing  them the time and freedom to explore their own interest is really paying off.

I see the children taking charge of their education in unexpected ways. They are creative, hard working, and committed to their endeavors. It’s been wonderful to watch and has helped me to breathe a hefty sigh of relief during this incredibly difficult part of our lives.

I am still homeschooling my children. We are still covering the core subjects as needed but I’m noticing a budding and beautiful independence that would not have been possible had I not allowed the time and space for it previously. Charlotte Mason referred to this practice as a “wise and purposeful letting alone.”

It can feel counter intuitive to let your children be. Somewhere along the way we lost trust in ourselves and our kids. The current educational paradigm is one that allows for almost no free time; every minute is managed, every activity, assignment and project is planned, there is a desired outcome and a preferred path to get there, but consider what the implications might be for this.

Consider the message we are sending our children, that they can’t learn on their own and that their interest and their inner life which is so beautifully unique to them, doesn’t matter or at the very least must always come second to a specific set of acceptable academic pursuits.

Character Development: Why it Matters.

For as much as we want to protect our kids from all the unpleasant things, as citizens of this world; that is simply not possible. So while it has been devastating for me to burden their hearts, I see my kids evolving in beautiful ways and that in my mind is of tremendous value and will serve them well all the days of their lives. I can’t say for certain which parts of their academic education will benefit them in their future pursuits but I know that this season of growth will make them better people, it already has.

They are learning to be even more compassionate, they are learning patience, and they are learning how to serve. We are all being stretched by this experience and my daily prayer is that this season will be a sanctifying one for our family.

I can’t predict how the dynamics or rhythms of our homeschool may shift or change as we endure this period of difficulty and unknowns. I can only continue to offer what I am able; leaning into faith, the foundation we have built, and the environment we have fostered wherein learning happens naturally.

As Elizabeth Foss said, “When the atmosphere encourages learning, the learning is inevitable.”

I started this blog to be an encouragement.  I felt led to do this work and was so excited to start writing and then this happened.  I wasn’t sure what I would do with the blog if anything but I continue to feel led to share and to encourage as much as I am able. 

As I endure these treatments and work towards healing- mind, body, and spirit  I will continue to pray on how I might best serve this community. If you feel so inclined, I ask that you pray for me.

I wish you all well in this new year and I hope for many more opportunities to connect with you.